ups and downs

so on may 11th, i had the surgery that has in a way turned me upside down...i had a hysterectomy. my dr. took everything out. so i am on hormones.
i can no longer have anymore kids. which has added stress to my on again, off again relationship with steven. he eventually wants kids and now i can no longer offer that to him, if we were to get married...things have ended. it makes me very very sad, cuz who else will want me if i can not have kids??.

the surgery went well, recovery has had it's ups and downs. a few hot flashes and irritability. plus a sore pelvic/stomach area. i couldn't pick up addie for 2 weeks - sad. i went back to work, 2 and a half weeks after. that was a little early. so i took last week off. i go back tomorrow, part time, to get back in the swing of things, then will resume my usual 8-5.

4 days after my surgery, nick and angie had their little baby girl! she is adorable! went and saw them and held Reece and had a melt down. i cried and cried. the thought of no more kids, killed me. i know i can always adopt at some point, but not to carry my own child, and have a child with someone i love, breaks my heart. it was hard to hold her and stay there visiting, so we left!
i'm handling things a little bit better now, a month later...still have moments of crying and questioning the decision i had made. but what's done is done...

on the june 2nd, my little addie turned 3!! i can not believe it. where has the time gone? she is so smart and absolutely knows way too much for age!! i threw a dora party/mexican fiesta for her! it was fun to have family over and watch addie enjoy her party. kendall and her love playing and can be so bossy to each other! it's quite hilarious! addie also is getting an imagination! it's fun watching her play, and how a scraf can be turned into a puppy, with a necklace as it's leash! though she is so cute and smart and funny, she is also in the i'm my own person and i'm not going to listen to you stage. grr! it makes me so frustrated. how do i get her to listen/obey?...

life is just so crazy and wish i had time or knew how to make time to blog more in a timely manner. but a lot of time after working and picking up addie and doing all the nite stuff, i just wanna lay down and rest...i guess i just need to prioritize...? who knows?! one day maybe life won't be so hectic.

oh, i watched twlight for the first time, the other day...LOVE IT!! can't wait to see the new movie in november! somedays, it'd be nice to be bitten by edward!! LOL!!

eAsTeR!

easter was fun, with the family over. addie and kendall had an indoor egg hunt, since we live in oregon...rain, rain, rain...



addie's easter basket...lot's of dora things, since she loves dora right now!


they were so cute helping each other! i hope they will be super good friends when they are older!

i wasn't feeling very good , but it was nice to have everyone over.

i always love it when the girls get a chance to play with one another!

i can't believe how long it's been since i've written....

there's just never a enoug time in the day. work and addie just keep me busy.

back in february addie got her first "official" hair cut....

i'm so horrible...i haven't hardly taken any pictures since then(feb.)...gonna have to start up again!

i'm also having surgery coming up, which will be good, but am still, so sad and scared about it. i'm getting a hysterectomy in may. i won't be able to give addie a sibling to play with it. and then steve and i are still back and forth. i know, we're silly... and so i told him about me getting surgery and he was like, well there goes us. it makes me sad, but i suppose there are worse things in life, then not being with someone.

i just hope addie and i will be super close and she'll want to be around me all the time when she grows up! i kinda invision us as like the "gilmore girls"!! i hope that our relationship will be like that! i love her to pieces and am so grateful i was given her. even though at times, i wanna scream, cuz she's driving me crazy with her attitude.

she'll just have to be spoiled since she'll be only child. lol!!!

back to steve and me...we are still hanging out and talking. it is just so hard that after almost 2 years of knowing each other, still not sure of what he wants. i would think someone would know by 2 years if you see a future with that person. or am i wrong?

i love him, but feel like it'll be ok, if we are just suppose to be friends. although my heart aches to be with someone...this single mom is ok, but is SUPER hard work...

work has been really stressful lately, and wish so muh that i could just stay home with addie and not work, or at least work part time. there are just some things i wanna do with her that i can't do at night. and that makes it very difficult to enjoy parenting. all i do is drop off addie in the mornings, go to work, go back and get addie. go home, and then start the night routine. day in and day out. day after day, everyday...it just is taking a toll on me lately.

well, write more later...